The Asshole Olympics

The Asshole Olympics.

So I was thinking today about how nearly everyone I know is happy to call French people assholes whenever they get the chance. The stance is international, multicultural, even biparisan, and it may be the most commonly held opinion amongst the people I've met in my 22 years. My dad thinks they're assholes. Actually, I believe he used the phrase "scum of this Earth." I have no idea how he arrived at this conclusion, and when I asked he just said that I'd understand when I got older. Friends routinely and matter-of-factly call the French assholes. Even my boss hates the French, and he's French Canadian himself.

Once, a French guy at school put a statue I brought back from Cuba up his ass, and so I know there is at least one French asshole in the world. (I carefully threw out the statue. I still don't understand why he did this.) But 1 doth hardly a pattern make! It begs the question: are there more assholes of the French variety than other types? I really don't know, so I'm doing what I always do when I want to understand something complicated about the world: I'm asking Google. In ascending order, from the fewest to the greatest number of assholes, here is Google's unofficial scoring.

(note: most nations have been disqualified from entering because they return 90-something percent pornography, they return too few results, or 'cuz I just don't care to include them.)

143 "Scottish Asshole"
19 "Scottish Assholes" ..........................assholedom total: 162.

46 "Saudi Asshole"
156 "Saudi Assholes" ..........................assholia score: 202.

112 "Israeli Asshole"
187 "Israeli Assholes" ..........................assholectomies needed: 299.

586 "Korean Asshole"
381 "Korean Assholes" ........................# of assholology experts: 967.

784 "Spanish Asshole"
351 "Spanish Assholes"........................assholeria test results: 1135.

889 "Chinese Asshole"
605 "Chinese Assholes" .......................assho tota: 1494.

1,150 "Irish Asshole"
742 "Irish Assholes" .............................McAsshole tally: 1892.

1,390 "German Asshole"
855 "German Assholes" ........................out of jokes: 2245.

1,470 "Russian Asshole"
904 "Russian Assholes" .......................still out of jokes: 2374.

2,300 "Mexican Asshole"
686 "Mexican Assholes" ........................# of ass-hat wearers: 2986.

2,730 "Japanese Asshole"
894 "Japanese Assholes" .......................asswhore totar: 3624.

2,080 "British Asshole"
1,180 "British Assholes" ..........................ass-ole to-al: 3260.

2,660 "French Asshole"
2,300 "French Assholes" .........................the silver asshole: 4960.

And the award for Awesomeness in Assholery goes to....

12,000 "American Asshole"
9,140 "American Assholes" ............with an A-hole Score of: 21140.

Eat our dust, France. WE'RE NUMBER ONE! But you did manage to come in at #2, so congrats on that.

We win.

As with most Googling of this type, I don't know how much this means, but I don't think it means much. What do you think, you disgusting American assholes? You ass-kissing assparagus-eating asskimos.

On a note, if I never write ass again, it may be too soon.

Ass.

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