An Alternative to the 10 Commandments

There's been a lot of arguing recently about how to teach values in schools. A lot of people feel that morality cannot be taught without the big G and his 10 C's. Well, I have the answer. And I have codified it for everyone to hear.

1. Do everything possible to become powerful. The law, in an ideal world, would revolve around what you want. If you were powerful enough, it would all be under your control right now.

2. Find dogma that closes your mind, and, if possible, your heart. It's imperative that some external doctrine, statue, or person have power over you to the extent that you are not only guided but also rendered bewildered and fearful.

3. Try to trash-talk about everybody the minute they leave the room. Name calling is almost always called for, fair, and productive. Generally, it is a good idea to belittle others for no reason other than to feel better about yourself.

4. Mock the concept that something, somewhere, is holy. Nothing is. Every day is the same, none any more or less valuable than any other. Nothing differs except what is on TV that day.

5. Assume yourself superior in every capacity. Disregard evidence to the contrary. Overlook all indications that suggest the impossibility that you're full of it.

6. Accept wholeheartedly that might makes right. Killing is cool sometimes. Fighting proves who is better. History is always, and should always be, written by the ones who win the war. The other side is weak and it is perfectly reasonable to assume that they are also wrong about everything.

7. Screw whoever you feel like screwing whenever you feel like screwing them, especially those who already receive love and support from others they are screwing.

8. Take things that don't belong to you without asking for, or obtaining, permission. Steal. Possession is 9/10s of the law anyway, and, hey, the price is right.

9. Never share anything. Never tell the truth. Never pick up after yourself. Ever. Eat whatever you can get your hands on that you want to eat. To the greatest possible degree, live off of drugs and/or alcohol.

10. You CAN and should judge a book by it's cover. More importantly, always judge your neighbors by their clothes/hairstyles, and how much money they have. This is what really matters in life.

All we really have to do is tell kids not to do what I've described above. Morality delivered, no religion required. Thank you very much.