Chanukkah
A Brief Introduction

- How To Spell The Holiday 

Due to a variety of transliterations over the years, the below spellings are all correct. It may seem tough, but it's actually really easy.

Here's my foolproof two-step method:

1. Sound it out.

2. Don't double more than one consonant.

- Remember: It's Not Christmas

Jewey McJewsonmeyer doesn't get a tree, a stocking, or a visit from a jolly old fat fascist. He gets a rich cultural tradition with candle lighting, latkes (potato pancakes), storytelling, and songs to remind him of days long ago. This is (most ironically given the newfound consumerism) a holiday about celebrating ancient resistance to assimilation, and a miracle involving oil that burned eight times longer than expected. And remember: we get eight days of...

- Presents: What Dreams Are Made Of

Here is a short list of what Jewish kids really want when the time for receiving love in the form of bribes comes around. We don't want Xboxes or stereos, DVDs, books, or games. When the holiday season rolls around, Jewish kids want something different. We secretly yearn for the things that only Jewish parents would know to buy: the essentials, the treats that light up your life, and the gelt*. Here is a short list of some of the finest Chanukkah presents I've received.

Toothbrush or Comb
1-Subject College-Ruled Notebook
(Average/shitty) Flashlight
Candy
Ball (note that there is nothing special about this ball)
Jump Rope
Paddleball
Key Chain
$5 or Equivalent Gift Certificate
Tube Socks
Pen (note: there is nothing special about this pen)
Deck of Cards
Piece of Fruit
Crayons (usually delivered a few at a time so as to cover several nights)
Soap and/or Bubble-Pipe
Yoyo (always the type that lasts 2-3 days)
Batteries (often unused!)
Candle and/or Box of Matches (for teens to burn their old Hanukkah presents with)
Feather
Rock

And, of course, the present I got night after night each year: a dreidel. I owned so many dreidels, I couldn't even count them. Sometimes when they didn't have anything, they'd give me a dreidel and I'd complain that it was precisely what I got the night before. "Here's another," mom would retort. "Now tonight's special. Last night, you didn't get two!"

- How To Pronounce The Holiday

The C isn't really silent, but you'll only make me laugh when you fuck it up. So just don't bother.

I hope you weren't expecting a history lesson.

© 2006 by FussyPucker.

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jeweythejew@fussypucker.com