The end is coming.

Activities More Productive

Than

Conspiracy Theorizing

Trying to: jump and miss the ground.
Attempting (or achieving) autofellatio.
Blaming your parents for your being a failure.
Cooking poop to see how it smells.
Touching yourself.
Touching my self.
Sitting on your couch, eating cheesy snacks.
Thinking of excuses that are comparably believable to such classics: "I need to do laundry..." or "I'm washing my hair."
Anything involving video games, including watching others play the worst games ever made.
Practicing kissing technique with that mysterious left hand of yours.
Peeing patterns in the snow (which is very good exercise for girls).
Utilizing the portable metal detector hunting for gold at the beach.
Eating dirt for its potassium content.
Trying to figure out how the 3 seashells in Demolition Man were supposed to have worked?
Wandering aimlessly.
THEY'RE WATCHING.
Making shadow puppets on the wall.
THEY'RE WATCHING YOU READ THIS.
Trying to pass off meaningless noises as language.
THEY'RE THE REASON YOU GET CHILLS ON YOUR NECK.
Watching the DVD menu loop.
THEY EAT HUMANS.
Realizing that this is going nowhere.
Being in denial.
THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU.
Sitting on the toilet just in case the urge strikes.
Fisting your asshole.
Running up gambling debts with the mob.
Decrypting British slang.
Praying to God for more hair.
Trying to beat me at Connect 4.
Trying to beat me at anything
Writing lists of things better than conspiracy theorizing.

If you're still reading this, head for the hills. The end is near.

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