Dear Santa,
This year, I want to ask you to do something for
yourself. I am concerned about some patterns I've been observing for a while
now. Up until this time, I have quietly kept my objections to myself. I can hold
my tongue no longer.
First, let's talk about your weight. It fluctuates more than any person I've
ever seen. One day I see you at 200 lbs, and the next day it's 300. It's almost
as though you're a completely different person.
If you have this kind of ability to lose weight, I suggest you work on keeping
it off. Don't you know how bad obesity is for you? The elevated risk of heart
disease, stroke, diabetes, respiratory problems, etc...You just gotta stop
eating so much, Santa. Leave the milk and cookies alone for once. You've got to
get your shit together before it's too late.
You have to face the facts in the bigger picture. One of those facts is that you
have a general habit of overindulging. It's not just food. Every year, you go
out and get presents for the kids of the first world. Meanwhile, the kids in
Somalia are so hungry they'd trade their parents for a jar of mayo. What about
them?
You bastard. You have your priorities all out of whack. You have so much power,
but to what end do you devote it? To giving spoiled little shits MORE toys!
Maybe if you spent more time on matters of substance, you would be able to
contribute something more to a conversation than "HO HO HO, Merry
Christmas?"
And what the devil happened to all the jobs that elves used to hold in your
region? Last I checked, nothing I got ever said "Made in the North
Pole." You couldn't compete with the prices in China, huh? So you threw the
elves out into the cold, didn't you Santa? Didn't you?
You disgust me. You buy us all this crap that slaves build while 1/6 of the
world starves. It just seems wrong to live this way. You need to ask yourself
some big questions. What impact are you really having on this world? Who
determines what is considered naughty and what is nice? What if I don't agree?
What if I think you're naughty?
Does that make me naughty? ...Sounds
kind of like fascism, that's all.
You need to remember the things that matter in life. You need to practice
moderation. You need to go on a diet. You need to save some food for the
children in Somalia. You need to stop your mass purchase of goods made by slaves
and start focusing on investing your time and money in some science to keep this
species going. Get our asses to Mars. Fix our energy needs. Make desalinization
efficient enough to be feasible. Teach us how not to break each other's hearts.
You have the power necessary to make changes for yourself and for millions of
others.
Or you can just go out and find pieces of plastic that complement personalities
so they feel slightly more whole for all of about a week.
The choice is yours. You fat fuck.
Warm Regards,
Daniel
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