Deodorant Stinks
It's a shame but I only know of two kinds of deodorant: poisonous and ineffective. For years now, I've been trying brand after brand of stink-eliminating stick, gel, crystal,
goop—whatever you want to call it—and for years I've had to resort to products that contain aluminum. Now before you go emailing me about the one brand you discovered that is the exception to the rule, you need to understand a few things.
The first is that I suffer from a little-known problem called "The Jew Funk". It is a potent substance that
emanates from the depths of my soul. And smells, by most accounts, bad. It's what curls my hair, makes me smile so wide that my eyes close themselves, and laugh so loudly and maniacally that my neighbors sometimes report their spontaneous laughter upon overhearing me.
Next, Southern California is hot. I mean like, fry-an-egg-on-the-pavement,
burn-your-mouth-like-raw-habanera-peppers, middle-of-the-desert-and-why-do-we-even-live-here, the-mountains-always-catch-fire hot. It's not to be underestimated.
Last, I may well have already considered what you're going to tell me. I've tried a lot of different brands looking for something potent enough to neutralize the Funk. But the Funk prevails against all the weak, natural,
aluminum-free, cover-up scents. The only ones that
have a chance to fight the Funk are "antiperspirants," which generally either (1)
don't work or (2) measure up very poorly with the Environmental Working Group.
EWG's popular report, Skin Deep, regularly examines cosmetic products ingredient by ingredient, citing available information
to show any dangers. Then they publish a "hazard score" and a "data gap score" for each product. Check their
website for more information, but
I'm not done outlining the problem.
Even if the natural products worked to counteract the Funk, which they don't, none of them really smell all that great. I mean, they smell OK. And if ladies like the smells, then they're on the right track...But that says nothing about the stuff
that girls wear.
Let me be frank with female readers: Your natural scent smells better than a lot
of that crap you put on. All that fake,
chemically, alcohol shit that you rub and spray isn't doing anything good.
You know what I think would really improve the situation?
Of course, not everyone's natural smell is all that unpleasant. And there's a good amount of pleasant-smelling stuff in the marketplace already: lavender, jasmine, vanilla bean (but why not chocolate?), orange/citrus, ginger. Yet the subtle smells are easily lost. They come and go. But steak? Now, there's a scent that can hold my attention until I've completely devoured its source. If you want to send the message, "Eat me," what better way than that?
All it would take to get this going is a visit to those factories off the New Jersey
turnpike, the ones that manufacture McDonald's hamburger and french fry smells. Get them
to go to
work on an underarm meat smell. For all the health information available, the drive-thru lines
in my neighborhood are always packed. Even I
have to admit the scent is tempting. It'd be huge.
As for my problem with the Funk, I'm about to give up trying to fight it. I may just need to marry one of those smelly French girls.
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© 2008 FussyPucker.