Fox News - yOUR Network
Here's our pledge to you: if you watch our station, we will tell you what to think. We promise to cover every news story, and tell you why you (we) are always right about the issues. We will include as many neoconservatives as possible on our panels and try to use only the weakest liberal voices we can find. This way our (your) worldview will always stand out as the right one.
We
Report.
You (we) Decide.
We will "balance" our panels by placing men
like Alan Combes next to men like Sean Hannity. Sure, Alan's not
"good-looking" or "outspoken," but he has that special
quality we're (you're) looking for when we (you) look at liberal reporters: he's
meek. We'll also hire guys like Brit Hume to be anchors. Sure, he's lifeless and
appears to have been brainwashed, but he sort of appears neutral sometimes.
We will pay Bill O'Reilly $20,000,000, because he has the biggest ego of anyone
we could find. A less self-important man wouldn't have the nerve to say what we
need him to say. He will promote the "patriotic" agenda that we (you)
secretly crave. He'll pretend that the rest of the media doesn't do this enough
already. He will fling mud at anyone, even entire countries, if so much as one
statement rubs him the wrong way, and he will make sweeping generalizations that
fit right in with our (your) oversimplified, patriotic, racist, sexist, and
xenophobic worldview.
We (you) have no problem with Bill. It doesn't bother us (you) that he
interrupts regularly, because listening isn't really something we require from
an interviewer. It does not bother us (you) that he mutes the microphones of
people who disagree with his (your) narrow and racist worldviews. So what if
he's a sexist asshole? So are you (we), and you (you) like to be told the way it
is.
We also promise that we will offer the best production value and graphical
content, hands down, because it's so imperative in reporting the news. It is not
at all distracting to see a scrolling marquee, a waving flag, a fear-inducing
caption about the issue being reported in the shot above, and frequently
rotating stock tickers all at the same time. Sure, it takes up a ton of the
screen and most of it is unnecessary, but it will remind you of how much is
going on, how busy you are, and how much you need us to tell you that your (our)
small-minded worldview is the right one.
We promise to inform you of the many nuances of how right we are, so you can
tell your neighbors just how we (you) back it up. When a person questions us, we
will show what a filthy America-hating snake that person really is. We'll make
you feel good to be an American, NO MATTER WHAT WE DO. We won't just give you
"America good, others bad." We promise to express the truth of
every issue as we (you) see it.
And to summarize the truth about everything:
Bush? Patriotic American. Clinton? Filthy philanderer. Global warming? Junk
science. Evolution? Evil atheism. The media? Too liberal. Chinese slave labor?
Ultimately worth it. Taxes? Supply-side. Black people? Their fault. White
people? Our base. Christians? The best. Jews? Good, just missing Jesus. Muslims?
The terrorists. You? Our faithful viewer who never disagrees.
There is nothing fair and/or balanced about the Fox News network. This statement that they incessantly repeat is a blatant lie.
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© 2006 FussyPucker.