You are sick.
Are you horny?
No? Well, why the fuck not? Is there an object inside your butt right
now? NO? Are you straddling anyone? Anything? NO? Neither? Nothing vibrating
against you? Is there dried semen somewhere on your body? WHAT? Why not?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Well, you've orgasmed at least a few times already today,
haven't you? Uh-uh? WHAT THE FUCK? I'm cumming right now. It's like the
twenty-ninth time today. That's just normal. Anything else is totally unhealthy
and embarrassing. How do you walk around? What do you tell people? Ugh, I feel
so sorry for, yet disgusted by, you (at the same time). If right now I asked you
to rate your horniness on a scale of 1 to 10 and you said anything lower than
28497, then you need the info in the next paragraph.
Yes, you do have a problem, but it isn't all your fault. You may be
suffering from HSDD, Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. And help may be
around the corner. A new study involving an investigational medication offers
unfortunate souls (like you) hope. And by hope, I mean that we had to do some
severely repulsive things to monkeys to deliver this product. It was some
strenuous work restraining the monkeys we tested on, but, if they're any indication,
your long-range orgasm will be imminent within two to three minutes of ingestion!
Are you
breathing?
If you answered yes, you may be suffering from TWHRD, Two-Way Hyperactive
Respiratory Dysfunction. People with this disorder inhale and exhale ALL DAY
LONG. If you experience shortness of breath during or
after very strenuous exercise, you are probably suffering right now although you
may not even know it yet. Other indications of a problem are an over, under,
or average-weight body. You may write with your right, or possibly left, hand. You
may find breathing easier when on your back or side than when upright and
supporting your full weight for many hours on end. Many people have been treated for this disease, and you don't
have to feel alone. When told they may have a problem, sufferers often describe
the symptoms as "frustratingly monotonous." You don't have to suffer.
The cycle can end today. Just one pill a day will end your breathing (problems)
forever.
Do you
sometimes move one or both of your legs for no good reason?
Restless Leg Syndrome.
Are
you sometimes very very sad and then very very happy just a few minutes later?
Rapid-Cycling Bipolar.
Do
you sometimes feel just by someone's vague suggestions that you might be sick?
You may be suffering from ACHR or Acute Hypochondria with Retardation. You may feel as though there is no solution, but you don't have to suffer. A new medication called Zalfax™ taken twice orally (and just four times anally) each day is the answer you need to never worry about disease ever again. Side effects include post-nasal drip, cough, and cold-related symptoms, anal leakage and mud-butt, uncontrollable diarrhea, nausea, projectile vomiting, temperature regulation problems and unusually heavy sweating, headache, rapid loss of mental clarity, homicidal impulses, nerve damage, amnesia, irritability and short tempers, liver damage and abnormalities, liver failure, heart palpitations, heart failure, kidney stones, kidney failure, erectile dysfunction and decreased sex drive, muscle aching and weakness, tingling or cramping in the legs, inability to walk, insomnia, disorientation, confusion, psychosis, depression, black lung, diverticulitis, diabetes, stomach explosion, hostility, hair loss, internal hemorrhaging, several varieties of cancer, penis shrinkage or genital inversion (growth for women), and, in rare cases, death. It's important to talk to your doctor before trying Zalfax™, because your doctor...may be retarded too.
Iatrogenic: induced inadvertently by a physician or surgeon or by medical treatment or diagnostic procedures. (m-w.com)
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