1.
Not enough complaining.
People I encounter online are too content and happy. They're never angry at the
government or bitching about their personal lives. There are no conspiracy
theories anywhere or diatribes about how ex-girlfriends are going to hell. It's
almost as if people don't know that freedom of speech applies. And they're all
so nice to each other, it makes me sick. There is no honesty online, because
everyone in chat rooms and on bulletin boards is so busy being kind and
considerate. Bloggers are the worst. Every blog I read, I can't help but think
about what satisfied people bloggers are. Gee, get an opinion about something,
you sheep. And whenever people leave comments online, they are always friendly
and logical comments. No one ever complains on the internet ever. Let it out,
people. It's not as though no one cares...
2. Not enough porn.
It's like, sure, you can find porn, but what about the really freaky shit? That
can sometimes take two, perhaps three, minutes to find. That's bullshit! When you're
horny, you want it right that second. It turns out that there are only about 4.5
million porn sites. WTF? That's only a little more than 10% of the web, not
nearly enough. We need to get cracking here. People are getting lazy.
"Sex" isn't even the number one query on search engines anymore! (It's
#2.) If you haven't posted at least ten pictures of yourself naked every day for
the past fifteen years, then you're not doing your part. YOU and your prude ass
cheeks are parts of the problem. Err....open up.
3. Needs more advertising.
I've heard that a lot of money is made on internet advertising, but I can't
figure out where. I never see any ads. I feel like if the internet only had more
ads, it would be easier to focus and find what I'm looking for. Why isn't
anybody selling any bullshit online? I keep asking myself, "Where is all
the stuff? I need more stuff." The other day, I was thinking about various
items I need to complete my life: a license to beat-off in public, a new
haircut, a black friend, some PCP, a lifetime supply of tasty rotisserie
chicken, maybe some live animals to beat up, and, of course, one of them stylin'
Jewhats the orthodox wear. But not even one of these items could be found online. Again, WTF? If
you're not making money on the side selling shit online, how can you afford the
porn and chicken that you need to get by? C'mon, try to sell me some shit.
Please? These text ads I see a couple times a year aren't nearly enough.
I'm so incomplete without banners. Back in the day, popups really helped me find
what I was searching for. Where have those all gone? Where exactly does one go
to find this mythical advertising on the internet?
4. Not enough information &
too much consensus.
As of this moment in time, Google only indexes around eight billion pages.
What's even worse is that all of them say the same things. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
BUSH IS A REPTILE. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH WAR ON APPLES. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH FREE
SLUTS FROM OUTER SPACE. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I LIKE/HATE GOD/GAMBLING/ONIONS.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLOGS. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BOOBIES + ME = HAPPY. BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH CHINESE PAGE. BLAH BLAH CARROTS CAUSES THE CANCERS. We need more
obscure opinions on the web. We need more weird sites whose value is only
evident to the author and his five friends. I'm totally sick of people going
online with no axe to grind and nothing to sell and then having nothing strange
or even outside the mainstream to say.
5. Too much privacy.
The world is so scary. I just can't help but think: I wish everything I did
could be easily traceable right on back to me. Every download, every email,
every website I visit...I can't watch me, so who will? It's so frightening.
Please, big government friends, it's not enough coverage for a third of my
income. If you need more, I can comply. I will comply. I mean, what's a little
less attention to the constitution in exchange for protection against the
marginal possibility of a terrorist attack? Make me safer. I'm sick of this
privacy. I'm glad that my credit card is so safe online, but please please
please watch me. I'm scared of those brown people on the news with the beards
and hats. Help.
Copyright 2007 by FussyPucker.