A mistake.
No More Ovaltine, Please.
A mistake.
I hate Ovaltine ads. I hate the concept/image of a bored
housewife with nothing better to do than stand around making batch after batch
while wearing a smile because Oprah said she should. Please take note: if that
sounds like your mom, I fucking hate your mom. And I hate the obnoxious
shit-breathing children who call out, "More Ovaltine, please" every
half hour on Jack FM. I hate the actors who play the parents and stoop this low
because they couldn't find any real work even after extensive plastic surgery of
the face. I hate the bullshit situations built into advertisements. I hate
Ovaltine very much. But, most of all, I hate people.
That is to say, I hate the reality that these assaults on the senses seem to
work. I hate that Americans really go out and buy brands that spend more money
on ad campaigns than brands that focus their money on improving their products.
I hate that it is so easy to manipulate people with fake voices, stupid
situations, and good editing. I hate how they slither into the subconscious with
bright images, catch phrases, and annoying music, and how they abuse the art of
repetition by telling a lie so much that it eventually rings true. I hate that
companies get away with pulling these stunts on children. I hate that there are
adults who actually believe that they can get reliable information from
advertising. I hate that so many people are so complacent that they just sit and
watch the crap.
Advertisers work really hard to make themselves sound clever, upbeat, funny, or
a combination of these variables. If they can make their ad stand out as useful
to you or disguise it as part of the entertainment, then they will do it. They
are, of course, only interested in your money, and they'll do anything that will
effectively insert their useless bullshit product into your mind. This includes
disguising their ad in any number of forms of undercover
marketing and product placement.
Unless you've been living under a rock, it should be no surprise to you that
covert advertising is big business these days. At this point, most mainstream
movies contain a paid ad. Sometimes, it's a lovable pop icon smoking a
cigarette. Sometimes, it's less subtle. I was recently assaulted with the worst
product placement in the history of cinema.
I was right in the middle of Shopgirl (screw you...I like Claire Danes) when at
the climax of the plot, all of a sudden with no prior mentioning of the phrase
throughout the film a character blurts out, "You told me...just do
it." It was the single most sickening thing that any filmmaker has ever had
the gall to try to get away with. As he uttered the line, I wanted to puke and I
wondered how these people can even look themselves in the mirror. The line was
supposed to explain why a character had undergone an extensive makeover to both
his personality and appearance. It did not. It had nothing to do with anything
in the movie. She had never even told him that! And sure enough, buried in the credits was a "special
thanks" to Nike.
And what does it even mean when they say that? "Just do it?" Just do what?
Here, pay extra money so that you can wear this logo that lets everyone know
that you JUST SUPPORT SLAVERY, are easily fooled by flashy nonsense, and have no
problem becoming a walking advertisement. Why not just wear a shirt that says
"Asshole," with a big arrow pointing to your face? Or maybe you could
tattoo a swastika on your neck? It's very popular in the prison population these
days. Or perhaps you could shave your head and carve a message in there. Maybe
it could read, "Dickhead." That way, the rest of us wouldn't have to
talk to you to find out what a complete fuck you are.
The result of all of this stealth, as well as overt, advertising is that it's
hard to get good information. There is little reason to trust any single
information source, and you just have to research things for yourself. Signs no
longer help you find your way. They are in
your way, in your face, trying to steal a piece of your mind so that you will
choose them without really thinking. It is disgusting and it is everywhere, a
veritable matrix of bullshit to be sifted through. Our job is to walk through it
every day, absorbing the trustworthy stuff and assembling a mysterious brown
amalgam from the rest of it. Is it poop? Is it Ovaltine? Who knows? But it
stinks like it doesn't belong inside the human body/mind.
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