How To Enjoy New York

It's been 6 days in the city, and I'm starting to remember the little things that make all the difference. Please allow me to share my various tips for enjoying NYC to the fullest:

• If you order a slice of pizza, order cheese. The other varieties have often been sitting out for hours, but--because cheese is frequently ordered--it is guaranteed to be fresh. I know what you're thinking..."Cheese pizza is bland." You see, outside this city, you have to TOP the taste of plain pizza with TOPPINGS to make it good. Inside this city, the cheese pizza is typically delicious. So if you want a fresh pizza with toppings, order a whole pie.
   
• Jaywalk frequently. You really need to stop stopping there. Keep going. Or at least get the hell out of my way. Don't you have anything better to do than stand on the corner?
   
• Speak properly. Don't say stuff. Say shit. Don't say forget. Say fuck. Don't say really? Say word? Or You serious? Insert fucking at will (e.g. absofuckinglutely, unfuckingbelievable, no fucking way).
   
• Don't go to the WTC remains. Seriously, you have better things to do.
   
• IGNORE ads (as much as possible). There are ads everywhere you go and I would promote this rule anywhere, but New York has a notable capacity to shove ads in your face. In general, being in New York requires a certain unimpressed not caring, and ads are a great place to start.
   
• Beware of people you don't know who are nice to you. Seemingly nice people here may want to sell you something, steal from you, or screw you.
   
• Fall in love. Yep, it sucks to be alone in a place like this. Happy people are getting some...so should you. But again, be careful with those pesky nice people.
   
• Read the subway map. Memorize it. It's really really useful.
   
• Cut out that fucking eye contact on the subway. You keep looking at me like that, I'm gonna tear your fucking eyes out.
   
• Consider not owning a car. It just doesn't pay. You spend a lot less on public transportation, and, unless you park your car in a pricey lot, you will spend a lot of time moving your car for alternate-side parking laws. Don't expect to park easily in Manhattan. At some parts of the day, it could take you an hour to find a spot.
   
• Watch one-way streets. They're everywhere, and people always seem to fuck this shit up. Look both ways, and watch out for delivery guys on bikes and taxi drivers who are in a hurry for a bigger tip.
   
• Watch out for dogs, and the obnoxious people who spend more time and money on their dogs than on people. The urine puddles and dog shit are all over the place, so keep your eyes open.
   
• Consider carrying a cane. No other city in the US is so convenient for walking. A nice walking stick makes all the difference. Those dogs and homeless are everywhere. I can't say it enough: canes and staffs are just so useful.

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nyc@fussypucker.com