Worst Pop Songs in History
I've been accused of being a Maddox "knock-off" in spite of how many
differences there are between us. I doubt very much that I can sway anyone on
the matter, so I won't try. Instead, I'm going to post a page actually intending
to emulate Maddox. I will title this page "Worst Pop Songs in
History."
These songs all inspire suicidal thoughts in nearby animals, and plants keel
over and die while they come on. From what I understand, most of the artists
responsible combusted spontaneously shortly after making the recordings, leaving
some to wonder whether it was some karmic deathblow delivered by an angel
attempting to spare the world from hearing yet another shitty pop song.
Livin La Vida Loca --- Ricky Martin --- I
have no idea what this song is about, but the last time I heard it I hurled my
kidneys and shat a lung at the same time. I was patched up by some nearby
squirrels.
Your Body Is A Wonderland --- John Mayer --- I
hear this song and imagine he is singing from an anus. If I were still 11 and
changing words in choir, I'd have sung the hook like this: "Your
Mommy Is A Tubby Man (It's In The Glands)."
Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It --- Will Smith --- If
they never made a video for this (or if they did but it sucked), I would like to do the honors. The
record label would
need to provide a camera, a space suit, a water gun, and four thousand pounds of
liquefied horse poop for me to launch at passersby. This is the worst song ever.
I would rather listen to rusty nails ground into a chalkboard for 3 minutes than
listen to Will Smith get jiggy with it, whatever the hell that means.
Name --- Goo Goo Dolls --- Hey,
this song isn't so bad if you're in need of an enema.
Right Here Waiting --- Richard Marx --- I
actually used to like this song, because it had the amazing power of putting me
directly to sleep. After a while though, my sleep was dominated by thoughts of
strangling Richard Marx mid-song, and then the tune was useless because I'd
always wake right back up with my hands tightly wrapped around my own neck.
My Heart Will Go On --- Celine Dion --- A
funny
title for a song, since it makes everyone who hears it yearn for an expedited
Death. It's one of those "me or her" type desires to either murder
Celine Dion or die trying. "No, you fucking bitch, your heart stops right
here. And no one will ever have to hear you shit out another Titatic-sized turd
like My Heart Will Go On." That type of feeling, ya know?
With Arms Wide Open --- Creed --- The
lead singer, Scott
Stapp, isn't so bad once you get past his face. And voice. And all that
unnecessary heavy breathing into the microphone. And his creepy wannabe Jesus
routine. And his music. And, wait, he is that bad. Fuck
that guy.
[Any track will do.] --- Kenny G --- I've
heard that this composer of elevator music can hold a note on a saxophone for 45 minutes. Which
makes 46 minutes
longer than he should be allowed near a musical instrument. Unless it is being used to decapitate him. His "music" is a thoroughly successful
attempt at violating children. One theory is that failing to become a priest, he somehow managed
to reach out and sexually molest children everywhere with his awful smooth jazz
playing. I still remember, you bastard.
Everything I Do I Do It For You --- Michael Bolton
--- Holy shit. I just visited his website, and man did his
parents make a mistake! Just shit. He's apparently decided to make a mockery of
Frank Sinatra tunes. It's really unholy. "No Talent Ass Clown" indeed.
Can't Nobody Hold Me Down --- Puff Daddy --- Every.
Time. I. Hear. Him rap. He surprises. Me. With. His. Smoothness. His rhymes. And
rhythms. Are So Fluid. And everything. Just seems. To Flow. Right. Out. Of Him.
Never feeling. Disconnected. Or shitty. Also, he's a gangster which is cool, and
his career didn't begin until Biggy died--That makes me respect him even more
than the possibility that he shoots people scares me. Oh wait, I actually have,
um, nothing bad to say about him. He's great. And a rapper. He's a 'great
rapper.'
[Take your pick.] --- Eminem --- There's nothing
better than when he insults
somebody by saying, "You're a idiot." Uh-huh. That's classic. The best
part is...he has no idea what's wrong with that statement, and he never will.
Smooth Operator --- Sade --- "Coast
to Coast, LA to Chicago..." Hey, only one teensy weensy problem there:
Chicago's not on the fucking coast, you morons. Stop playing this song. Not only does it suck, but it misinforms children about geography as well.
Macarena ---
???? --- Somebody needs to pay for making this thing.
Big Yellow Taxi --- Counting Crows --- It's
cool if you want to cover a song. Just not if you start with a meaningful song
about selling out, and parade around a third-rate version of it just to make money. It's
perhaps the most shivering display of musical irony to make and market such a
paved paradise as the Counting Crows have done.
A mention must be made of Tom Jones. Not because he's bad, but because a lot of people think he is, when in fact he's among the most brilliant recording artists
who are 70 years old and who still perform every night in Las Vegas with tight
leather pants on. In fact, he's the only one. He's amazing. "It's Not
Unusual," huh? Oh yes it is, Tom. Yes it is. But I don't think you should
ever quit, because I find your work tremendously unique.
Even trying, this came out little like a Maddox page. I should probably just ignore that comparison from now on, because it seems to stem mainly from the idea that black backgrounds, big gray fonts, and random rants are all the same no matter what their content or style of delivery. BLEH. This is what I actually think about "good music" and "bad music."
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